The Other Person

In an ideal world, we could have remained friends

You would have responded to my incessant messages with patience and understanding of the fact that you ripped my heart in half. 

You would have given me sometime to pass through the 50 stages of loss before showing up with a better life, a better girl, a better smile than you ever gave me. 

In an ideal world, we could have ended with a better impression of ourselves 

But I’m forever stuck in an image of a petulant child whining over something she cannot have. 

In an ideal world, you would have let me down slowly, drawing boundaries with ease

You would have let me know where i failed you and i, you. 

In an ideal world, you would be an experience i had, not an excuse to hate all men

But this is not an ideal world, this is real life, and in real life we rip the bandaid quickly

We hold your heart at gunpoint and rob you of assurances that you’re not the worst human on earth

We ghost you and leave you wondering because it’s better than accountability

So i hate closure, 

Because it takes away my chance to vilify you

It takes away the years of hate i will have for men

It takes away the self pity that i need to feel a semblance of humanity because you leaving turned me into a monster who feeds off of pain

It takes away the chance for a new man to prove to me that all men are not evil creatures spun from the vein of the devil

It takes away the reason to hate you, which i need to, because i’m no longer allowed to love you, and indifference is to small to describe you

It takes away my ploy to glow up and slap you in the face with regret on leaving me

It makes me see reason and reason leads to forgiveness and understanding, and i want everything but. 

I want you to suffer as much as i have

I want you to go through our old chats 

I want you to stalk me online and be sad when you see me with a new man

I want you to know that i now write for him, i now write about him, 

I want you to know that he has something you’re never going to have, My love

Closure is just an easy way out, and it doesn’t make the heart hurt less.